Bismillah hir rahman nir Raheem
I been wanting and thinking a lot about it: To write or not to write?
people might not know me and I heard my ear ringing hearing gossip mongers calling me ‘keyboard warriors’ or ‘NATO’ abbreviation for No Action Talk Only.
Not that i do care about what their opinions of me, but it set me thinking. On the other hand, i feel that this life is a private gift to me from Allah(swt) and I’m not really sure whether to share it with the world through blogging is the best way of expressing my views or talk about my experience
So here’s to why I don’t belong to any Islamic Organization or Masjid here in Singapore
Chapter 1: “The Obstacle”
This story is meant to be a ‘hidayah’ an awakening to the reality of how far corrupted our Malay Muslim Society in Singapore are not just in Islam but on the standards on any sound moral social parameter.
This should be taken into account as prove in itself that ‘their’ ideas of innovating the core teaching of Islam in religion’ taking a liberal approach to a watered down Islam and the concept of ‘Quantity vs. Quality’ have caused and is causing further damage in the society rather than helping.
This article is written to express concern, to do a reality check as individual and collectively as one community so as to be able to face the problem at hand with a new beginning back to basic. This article is not written with the intention to shame others or be judgmental of their actions.
For that purpose in itself, certain name and location has been altered and change to protect the person identity and to avoid unnecessary legal actions.
There only few in my family who I’ve told about this incident or journey in life.
Often than not, they would dismiss the issue not being able to relate or even allow me to vent my frustration for the injustice I witness as long as I have a Job that pays the bill and behave as ‘normal’ as any Malay sister or daughter.
Many may not know this but I had several teaching experience before hand in Singapore, which leads me to why i choose to set up my own curriculum, organizations and commit to dawa’ah online full time instead of ‘turun padang’ translated as go down to field work.
It was the time where after I resign from being a Full-Time teacher at a school base student care center at Bedok. Came back from Egypt, spiritually rejuvenated decided to come back to my roots and applied for several freelance job and was also given the opportunity to teach in several different Masjid(s) in the East, as well as a Sunday school for Converts Children or Civil Marriage Children.
Soon enough after a few months my spiritual drive depleted and it made me question, whether it’s worth the trouble not because of the teaching itself or the burden of carrying the message of Islam.
Simply just with what’s happening in the Masjid under my nose that I could not control nor have any sayings. It was a personal struggle to swallow words, as knowing me I usually am very outspoken about issues that is close to my heart. I was straying and losing the initial motivation of doing da’waah getting too involved with the so-called political struggle in the office, the ‘boycotted’ clicks from the sufi and the salafi war, or the extreme haram police Ustazah vs the ‘releks’ let’s smoke : everything is halal even if its haram close your eye kind of Ustaz
The worst scenario happening is the ‘free mixing’ activities going around in the office in the house of Allah. These are people who taught that BGR (Boys girl relationship) is against Islamic Teaching. Yet, this is also the same people that maintain a ‘friendly’ relationship with the students outside the masjid, flirt around sending ‘naughty’ messages and talked between themselves who is the prettiest chick in the class.
I would simply dismiss it and say, boys will be boys. But! This is are not just any boys from the street,there are Imam of the Ummah. What about the quote: Lead by example? Where the Sunnah in this!
In another instances, where the Azan being called for solat jema’ah and voices from Asatizah can be heard from distant yelling at the students to ‘solat’ ‘solat’ and when the obedience students get into saf ( rows and line) and prayed, the Asatizah can be seen lazing around eating Mc Donalds meal together like picnic in the office couch.
In the office eating chips and cracker complaining and gossiping about their trouble teenagers or the mum of this students or that students.
Seriously, I am not perfect myself and it’s true as well that the nature of one’s eman (faith) rise up and down according to one mujahadat ul nafs (struggle of oneself) but mind you my dear Asatizah that as a religious teacher you lead by example and there is Quran verse that talks about the like of you in Moses time where the ahlul kitab would asked people to do good, while they themselves did not do.
It seriously baffled me and scares me to a point where I am fearful that Allah will held be accountable for what I saw and did not do, the fear of falling into the of a ‘conformist’ in the religion cripple my thought and weakened my desire to take on this job as a ‘Religious Teacher’
Thus, I ran away and hide in my room while making dua and with immense hope that one day thing will change for the ummah of Muhammad in Singapore. I was worried that I might lose the ‘awakening’ momentum that i struggle searching to have my whole life. I worried a fitna will befall my faith, as it did before. Yes, even us Madrasah student falter like a fallen angel as even carrying the message we are not infallible like the Messenger (s.a.w) himself,
I remembered a discussion between an uncle of mine, making assumptions like a police investigator investigating the cause of as to why Madrasah Student strayed from their destined path despite growing up memorizing Qura’n and spending almost 8 hour per day in an Islamic environment and memorizing our textbook like mantras. The hardest part to swallow was their comparison to the ‘failure’ me and their ‘government’ school daughter who in a twisted version of being a Muslim believe (I said believe, and not think) to them even if strayed are justifiable as they don’t have the luxury and knowledge we, as Madrasah students have
Some add fuel to the fire, by telling an encounter he have working at a hotel as receptionist where a seemingly ‘mat’ and ‘minah Tudung’ checking into a hotel for a short rendezvous session and the ‘mat’ after check out from the hotel finishing his session with the hejabi, proceed to hit on her the non- hijabi receptionist by telling her to add him on Social Network. Curious as a cow, she added him to see what kind of a person he is doing such thing to someone daughter. To her justification, ‘kalau nak buat jahat buat jahat dengan minah ma’rip lah bukan budak pakai tudung’ translated: If you want to do bad things, does it to a street woman and not some innocent kid who wears hejab.
To her shocking discoveries, the man profession is ‘Ustaz L’. SubhanAllah, can you imagine the embarrassment I have to deal with surrounded by people who question the integrity of a man who I was proud of as a father who choose to send me to an Islamic School to be protected against this very corruption, This people who instead of protecting my innocent idealistic idea of being a Madrasah Student and ‘Husn ul Dzan’ they in return buried me alive with tons of stories that made me question my religion, why Allah? Why?
Did you my dear Father, was wrong in your sincere choice to send me to an Islamic School?
As according to these people, I am as bad if not worse than a person who has zero knowledge in Islam. Tears would fall down from my eye, but the pain was the kind where even tears shy away from as it’s a silent torture of heart breaking into pieces and faith crumbling bit by bits…
It’s hard to take pride on something that is close to your heart so much that it became a motto in your, it become your blood to believe that being a Madrasah student is your calling in life only to have someone to question you, and the worst feeling is you started to believe that they are right..
This is the initial phases I had experienced which had me questioning a lot, there is plenty of story to tell, plenty encounters and episode which I feel is too personal too share as I has stated in my other article ‘The Author: The Strange One’ I had gone through phases in life and yeah this is one of the many. Blame myself for it, maybe I think too much and dwell too much about certain things in life that u know if happens, it happened as part of the motion in life as such in the thing called Life.
But, the question to think about is why something that supposes to be set out to be righteous turns ugly? On Moral ground, why it is uses to be in our Malay Culture during our Grandmother Kampong days although have little or zero knowledge in Islam, although may or may not be able to read the Quran or Muqaddam have not befallen with such calamity and corruption of moral integrity and faith in their society.
What went wrong or should I also include the blame game and include the word: Who?
Fast forward to today, today it’s been almost 2 years since I last taught in an official masjid or Islamic organization, or institution. The last interview I went to was for a social welfare position who called me for an interview at a certain hour, and made me seat at the sunk in couch for almost 2 hour waiting for this ‘Vvip’ to finish meeting and grace me with honorable presence. While waiting, the receptionist was kind enough to attend to me with an apology and follow up with some news after every 20 minute to inform that the meeting was still ongoing and she have no idea when it will finish. Thought cross my mind and wonder how such people are able to run an institution full of needy children and broken home families when they have such bad time-management. In the name of Islam, or not I can assure you that I met better well mannered non-Muslim who I wish Allah gave them the beautiful gift of Islam as such their manners are befitting of this gift.
10 feet away from me was a room full of tight spandex wearing hejab women between the age of mid 20 ish to 40 gossiping about my resume questioning my educational background and last drawn salary as a self-employed. I heard one of them saying, I think it’s a lie why a person like her would applied a low salary position.
Well, what can I say other than my resume is too awesome for them to believe that they have such people exist in their Malay community and it reflection on how they as representative towards the Malay community people in charge of the development of the lower income Malay families have such a defeated mentally towards their own society lacking trust and confidence that one day Malay Muslim would be equally successful.
I than went to the interview conducted by a young lady from Human Resource and the so called Vvip,aka Manager aka Psychologist. I was well prepared for the interview until this impatient lady throw a bomb at me asking me WHY you study Psychology in this selected Online University?
That was her very first question, she wasn’t interested to know anything in relation to the job I applied but her concern was That!
She further added why don’t you study in other Online University (she quoted a few) Secular Psychology?
She got me dumbstruck. My head was running with words like how is that your problem where I study? Or should I say how it is important to this job offer? Or more accurately, “it’s because I refuse to believe that we are from Monkey and that all Secular Science base on the idea that God is non-existence and that Sigmund Feud is a psycho himself for thinking all But more accurately she is hinting at the fact that why I studied under a Dr who rumored to be a ‘Wahhabi’ and I supposed she is a head jamming sufi, so she take offence of it as soon as her eye set on The Name.
She already threw me off my game, and I did my best to answer her while the Vvip kept repeating the word it’s okay, it’s okay where u study, it’s okay just filter the knowledge well and I agree on this part.
The Vvip later I suppose also felt that my education background is questionable throw a curve ball at me with a trick question, telling me that all Islamic psychology follows madhab shafie and later stared at my face waiting for some reaction:
I stalled for a bit controlling my irritated face having to deal with this amateur ‘kaypoh’ theme interview. The woman further asked me if it’s fine for me to work on a shift (irregular hours) and I said yes, of course I am willing to commit and to my surprise she looked at me and said: You need to asked your husband permission first right before deciding?
I looked at her in amiss, thinking whether I should tell her that my husband is currently in Kuala Lumpur or refrain from having to have this yet another undesirable private conversation about my personal life again nothing to do with the job I applied. She later added salt to my wound and asked me if I have children and I said No, elhamdulilah (it’s in Allah decree more than a couple fault).
She reacted with quoting my age and stating oh you still don’t have children. I replied again in sarcasm yes thank God I don’t have yet.
My intention was sound and I wanted to do the right thing for the ummah as well as it will be killing two birds with one stone, as I have to clock in certain hours of Social work as part of my semester community outreach.
I maybe suffering from lack of patience from my personality but this is not the first time, as I had an interview 3 years ago that was so obsessed about my fiancée ( now my husband from Saudi Arabia) that she took half of my day making me tell my love story. It’s almost embarrassing to say that my society seems to be plague with this ‘kaypoh’ disease applying the concept of amal makruh nahi mungkar on the wrong aspects of life.
How do you even begin fixing this sort of colonial brain who seems to think it’s harmless to be in doctrine with secular idea in psychology and yet study shows almost more than 50% of students in Europe who attended university study psychology with minimal or some sort of spiritual background became atheist after their graduation.
Furthermore, how is the secular technique to a non-muslim being effective diagnosis to a God-believing community? You may argue that there bottom-line success rate but do you know that even European scientist now argues the validity of this psychotherapy which heavily induces in research mainly on the Demographic of American and its Culture and Society. While you as a Muslim are so proud of your status and paper not knowing it does little to almost known benefit to you or your people.
Do you ever wonder, why?
I personally believe its high time this ‘Islamic’ organization come clean and practice transparency and society t large should take them accountable for their action as most Islamic organization are funded by the people’s money and assets.
WonderingAmatullah 